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Cold

black
empty



like the cavern where crimson vellum once resided


Drenched in reticence,
your empty blue eyes do nothing
but freeze the blood in these veins

surrounded by phantoms,
i lie in the dark next to your fading silhouette
between sheets that hold so many memories,
they are empty,

like the chestnut eyes that bore into yours


And as the rain              
falls
harder

as it
falls
faster


washing down the streets
through deep alleys,
down endless roads,

for

once



just


once





i pray it takes me with
let the droplets break the silence
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-02-03
for once by ~jhock216 The suggester writes, "Through rich language and engaging formatting, the author pulls the reader into a brief yet poignant moment." ( Suggested by LadyofGaerdon and Featured by thorns )
:iconlelvigen:
lelvigen Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
[link]
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:iconkcsummerz:
KCsummerz Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconcongratsdd1plz::iconcongratsdd2plz::iconcongratsdd3plz:
Reply
:iconafterthevoid:
afterthevoid Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
Powerful, stacking the words cold, black, empty like that at the beginning really sets the tone for the rest of the piece :) Great work.
Reply
:iconmotion-music:
Motion-Music Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
Was this written by a 12 year old?

cold, black, empty . . . . wow . . . how original and thought provoking (sarcasm intended)
Reply
:iconaverrose:
averrose Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Love your formatting! So many good poems could be great with the right layout, and the already-great ones become DD's. :) Well done!
Reply
:iconspookyboopuddleglum:
SpookybooPuddleglum Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Student General Artist
beautiful and sad
Reply
:iconnarcaholic:
Narcaholic Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Student
Lovely (:
Reply
:iconomgitsgreen:
OMGitsgreen Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
Stunning :clap:
Reply
:iconohanlon:
ohanlon Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Professional Writer
oh dear. sorry but you should have just made it crimson blood bro. and those cliffs made my eyes fall off too many times i cant take it anymore. i got to the end of this thing and all i could think was.......i was already here why did i take this 360 journey??
Reply
:iconanna-95:
Anna-95 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is like... me. Indcredibly well-written, congrats on the DD!
Reply
:iconmadgenius2013:
madgenius2013 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Fantastic
Reply
:iconsublime-feline:
Sublime-Feline Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Excellent strategy! Congratz on your DD!!
Reply
:iconcanveysue:
CanveySue Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh wow, I love this so much, the imagery, the patterns, the meaning... I've been there and felt these things. Wonderful :dalove: :clap: :hug:
Reply
:iconhoshisamavalmor:
HoshisamaValmor Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
great work, and the formatting really works for the atmosphere, well played. Congrats for the DD
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the well deserved DD! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :heart:
Reply
:iconfeatherback:
featherback Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is stunning. Congratulations on the DLD, it's much deserved! <3
Reply
:iconjhock216:
jhock216 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you so much!!
Reply
:iconfeatherback:
featherback Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome! <3
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2012  Student General Artist
Stunning work
Reply
:iconjhock216:
jhock216 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2012
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.
Reply
:iconjhock216:
jhock216 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you so much!!!!
Reply
:iconshyanne-kai:
Shyanne-Kai Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2012
Fantastic. I felt really immersed in this, and thought the formatting enhanced the experience of it.
Reply
:iconjhock216:
jhock216 Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it :)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2012  Professional Writer
:wave: Hi! You've been featured by The Favorites Project at #LITplease!
Reply
:iconjhock216:
jhock216 Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2012  Student Writer
Yay! Thanks so much :)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2012  Professional Writer
Welcome. :)
Reply
:iconjhock216:
jhock216 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2010  Student Writer
as for the fading silhouette in the dark, im glad you asked that! the idea of that statement was that the subject of this poem was disappearing, and that i was in such a darkness that i could not find what was already slipping away from me.. hopefully that helps clarify that line :)
Reply
:iconmellowghost:
mellowghost Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I liked this poem a lot more before I started to comprehend the piece. How does one see a silhouette in the dark? I was impressed with the beautiful words "vellum" and "reticence" which I had to look up, but the way they were used raised an eyebrow. I guess really this is a backhanded compliment. Sorry : /
Reply
:iconjhock216:
jhock216 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2010  Student Writer
haha tis ok :) i used vellum so it wouldn't have the cliché phrase 'paper heart'. as for reticence, the person i wrote this about is reeeealllly good at suppressing/hiding her emotions.. which kind of helped to fuel the frustration and whatnot behind this... :)

i hope that makes more sense :)
Reply
:iconmellowghost:
mellowghost Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah, paper heart: cordate crimson vellum? But then vellum wasn't very much like paper, it was animal skin used for writing on, sort of cave-man-like. Regardless I liked the word. Reticence was also a cool word, but "[eyes] drenched in reticence" is an odd picture. Eyes are said to be the windows to the soul for one, and also drenched has more of a flowing, moving connotation contrary to holding things like reticence suggests. Don't mind my critiques. This is a pretty good poem.
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:iconjhock216:
jhock216 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2010  Student Writer
good point about the eyes, though. i didn't mean for them to be drenched though... more like i was drenched in it from her, and her eyes were just that beautiful that they wind up in all my poems hahaha

i hope that makes more sense as well lol

as for drenched eyes... i guess it just depends on one's interpretation.. ah well

thanks for the critique, though! it addressed a lot of perspectives/interpretations i hadn't quite realized :)
Reply
:iconmellowghost:
mellowghost Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure :) Good luck to you. Feel free to drop some lit by #TalentedWritersGuild for submissions to our gallery or critiques any time.
Reply
:iconjhock216:
jhock216 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2010  Student Writer
thank you very much :) and you too! and yes, i'd surely love to send some entries :)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Professional Writer
I love this. It is totally my taste. And I absolutely love what you did with the formatting - really makes visualizing the poem easier and pulls the reader in for a closer connection with the words. I like that you used big, obscure words like "vellum" and "reticence". I actually had to look up the first one.

My favorite part was "i lie in the dark next to your fading silhouette
between sheets that hold so many memories,
they are empty,
like the chestnut eyes that bore into yours"

So beautiful.

My only question is can an alley be deep? It probably can. But if not you might want to change it to "narrow" or something.

This is supposed to be a critique, but I really can't find anything wrong. Well done!
Reply
:iconjhock216:
jhock216 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Student Writer
aww thanks so much!! i'm glad you enjoyed it :)

i guess an alley can be deep... haha in poetry, anything goes i guess... :)

but i'm glad you liked it so much :heart:

thanks for the fav!!
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Professional Writer
You're welcome! And sure an alley can be deep. As long as that was your intention. I know when I write poems sometimes a line comes together that sounds good and gets across the right image, but I don't always think about EXACTLY what it means at first - I have to mull it over and make sure it fits.
Reply
:iconjhock216:
jhock216 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Student Writer
haha exactly!! i've fought over so many lines like that... but i think it's more interesting that way... adds obscurity :)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Professional Writer
I hear you. So many scenes and poems that I write begin as a pretty tangle of words, and nothing more. It takes a while for their meaning to reveal itself to me. Obscurity is good.
Reply
:iconjhock216:
jhock216 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Student Writer
indeed :) aahh.. poetry... :heart:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2010  Professional Writer
:)
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